1:59 p.m. - 2007-10-15
And everywhere I go, there's always something to remind me of another place and time
I don't know yet if I have enrolled the 2nd year ath the uni, I'll find out at about 3:30 p.m. so I'm not saying anything sure 'til I hear the final news.
Last night I was reading 'Anybody Out There' and it just made me so sad that I couldn't help thinking if something like that happened to me too. How would I react? I'd probably be devastated. I'd wish it had been me who had died. And what if I hadn't had time to tell that person how much I cared? Or what if I had died and I wouldn't have had time to tell how much I care? The whole thought is horrible. Actually 'horrible' is just way too lame to explain how I feel about it.
Anyway, the whole book is really sad. I didn't expect it to be like that at all. I mean, it's well written and you can see the change in Keyes's writing style and it's even funny (duh, we're talking about MARIAN KEYES here, of course it's funny), but at the same time it's just so so sad. But I've only read about half of it, so it still has time to get a bit happier tone. I just don't know how it's going to happen after all that's happened. It's so weird to read somemething "serious" by Marian Keyes!
I feel this great urge to dye my hair brown (and to get that tongue piercing (still haven't given up on it)), but I'm afraid something will go wrong. Last spring I noticed that brown hair makes my eyes look more blue which is definitely nice since usually they have this a bit boring greyish tone. I'm just so tired of this half blonde hair, especially when the ends of my hair are golden blonde and the roots are.. well, definitely not golden blonde. My own colour, a boring brown that looks good only in direct sunlight. I already have the dye (have had it for about 3,5 months now, uh), but I still haven't used it. I think I might use it in the near future.
Besides, brown hair would go so much better with my new trench coat. And my other clothes. And the clothes that I'm going to buy. And practically with everything.
Why does decision-making have to be so difficult even when I KNOW what's best for me.
Something to listen to:
R�yksopp's album Melody A.M.
(I love this, especially Poor Leno, Eple and Remind Me.)
5:49 p.m. - 2007-10-10
Umm.. yeah
Gah. There's so much going on and I just.. can't tell you a detailed version of the past couple of days. I actually don't even want to. And I'm not assuming that you'd be interested in my life, since nothing super exciting ever happens to me. Ever. Unless you count spending 180 euros at Zara as something exciting.
I'm so stressed out. I've been super emotional lately. If someone mentions something about maths, I start to cry. If someone mentions something about giving birth, I start to cry. If someone mentions anything even slightly.. I don't know, ANYTHING, I start to cry. The only things that makes me feel at least somewhat normal are Marian Keyes's books (they're the only thing that make me laugh) and my new coat. Yes, I did buy that Zara coat and it looks LOVELY. And I'm GLAD THAT I SPENT MY DAD'S MONEY ON IT. 150 euros. I wish it'd cost more. (I also bought this really slimming black knit with a v-neck, I think I'm in love with that too. I also might be too much in love with clothes.) We had a huge row yesterday, he shouted at me like never before and all that because my intuition didn't tell me that there'd be another date for the maths exam, and that I didn't study for the might-be maths exam in advance even if I didn't know that there'd be another term for the maths exam. Which was today. And students were told about it on Monday. And I heard about it yesterday. And my dad was furious. And I don't understand anything anymore. And the only one who seems to understand me at least a bit is my middle brother.
I want to go home.
Sorry, I need to vent my feelings a bit. I'm talking with Heidi in MSN at the same time and that really helps. I'll tell you maybe tomorrow about my day, what I bought from Zara and what else I bought (I spend too much money), and how fun I actually had until I came home and was reminded of my failures. But I try to remember to keep my head up high. I don't deserve all that shit that my dad keeps telling me every day, but I do deserve the money he gives me for expensive coats and stuff. Don't tell me that I don't because I'd be forced to punch you in the face if you did so. I mean it.
I hate stress. Really. The past month has probably been worse than the whole of last year! I mean,
a) I had my period TWICE (like once wouldn't be enough, like someone thought "let's torture her a bit more with excruciating pain that makes her whimper and not able to get out of bed". Ok, not going into details.)
b) I've lost so much hair that I'm starting to think that I might be balding prematurely and in a very un-womanly fashion. Not good. It's just that almost every time I take a shower, the sewer thing at the bottom of the bathtub gets so clogged with my hair that I have to empty it two times. Not good, eh?
c) My nails are chipping like it's the annual "who has the most chipped and ugliest nails on this planet" competition, and they'd be desperate to make me win. Plus I have these weird little bumps and.. holes in my nails. Marina says they're there because of stress. I think she's right.
d) I was sick twice during the past 30 days. I lost my appetite and this leads to the fact that...
e) I'VE LOST WEIGHT. Okay, not much but still, that's pretty much the only good thing that has happened to me because of the stress. Maybe that's why my legs look so unrecognizable and maybe a bit good and slim too in that pic that I took in Zara's fitting room! But all this possible slimming might also be the result of a bad diet. I mean, I've eaten maybe once real food (as in warm food, made at home, cooked food, that sort of stuff) during the past couple of weeks. I just haven't been hungry! Very odd indeed, since I can sometimes be very obsessed with food. Last weekend I ate some bread in the morning, 300 grams of frozen raspberries during the day, some diet coke, coffee and some fruit. Not very nutritional but look at what that kind of food did to me? And I must say I like the results. If only I could drag myself to the gym and I'd be even more satisfied.
f) I've spent 300 euros during the past couple of weeks. Uh oh. I feel sorry only for the 150 euros that were actually mine, because I have no idea where 70 euros of it have gone. Oh well, I have enough worries already.
I think this is enough ranting for one day. I feel so much better.
Something to listen to:
The White Stripes - Apple Blossom (someone told me in 2004 that this should be my theme song - how right she was!)
"hey little apple blossom
what seems to be the problem
all the ones you tell your troubles to
they don't really care for you
come and tell me what you're thinking
cause just when the boat is sinking
a little light is blinking
and i will come and rescue you
lots of girls walk around in tears
but that's not for you
you've been looking all around for years
for someone to tell your troubles to
come and sit with me and talk awhile
let me see your pretty little smile
put your troubles in a little pile
and i will sort them out for you
i'll fall in love with you
i think i'll marry you"
10:46 p.m. - 2007-10-08
-
I think I've finally did it - I found the coat that I want to buy! It costs a small fortune but I think I'm in love with it, and true love has no price, right? I'm not sure if it's black or just really really dark blue (those two colours are hard to tell apart, really), but it's kinda like a trench coat, only it's kinda short. It costs 150 euros but it's just so pretty and makes me feel like a.. woman. Plus Marina said that I look cool and sassy and thin in the pic that I took in the fitting room, so I'm DEFINITELY buying that coat. Marina never lies to me, she'd tell me if I looked a horrible pig in that coat. I think I'm going to get it tomorrow after maths lesson.
It's funny how at first this "let's find a decent coat" task seemed so.. I don't know, so dumb. Maybe it was because it's always hard to find clothes that'd fit me well, mostly because of my hips, ass or boobs (I've got some real big problems, don't you think). But as soon as my dad said that it doesn't matter how much it costs, you know, as long as it's not SUPER expensive (I think 150e is near the limit), this task got a whole lot easier! I actually found two coats from Mango, one of which was too small from the bust area and one of which fitted me okay, but you know.. there was something missing. So I headed to Zara and found my coat. It actually looked a bit boring when no one was wearing it but as soon as I put it on, it changed somehow. Who would've known that it'd look so good?
I've been spending so much money lately, but I think I deserve it after all the crying and stressing out and stupid exams. I bought new panties, two new nail polishes (peachy coral and minty pink), a new calendar for 2008 (one of those huge theme calendars that smart people like me use, this time the theme is Paris), and.. what else. I can't even remember! Something fun anyway. Oh yeah, the first season of Desperate Housewives! Can't wait to watch all of the episodes.
Tomorrow I'll find out if I enrolled the 2nd year at the uni! If I did, then I'm going to buy myself new boots and maybe jeans. Fingers crossed! (I really really want those boots, preferably with a spike heel)
2:40 p.m. - 2007-10-05
No worries
Went to the uni today to do the ecoclimatology exam, and guess what? I passed. Before the exam I was so nervous I couldn't speak anything but sentences that consist of max 2 words. I really thought I hadn't studied enough (as always), because mostly I studied the old exam questions that I bought a couple of weeks ago. I got just enough points so that I got the lowest grade, but who really cares as long as I passed? I don't. It's weird how I'm always shaking after something as nerve-wrecking as exams and stuff like that, and my hands are still shaking. Imagine what it was like 1,5 hours ago when I tried walking down the stairs in heels, my legs shaking like I had just done the Cooper test!
Me, Gina, Marko and some other guy went for coffee while waiting for the results, and Marko said that this morning he heard some people talking about ESTC points and how we probably need only 28 points to enrol the second year, and I thought how wonderful that'd be because now I have 32 points (28 before ecoclimatology). Unfortunately when we went to ask about the points, we were told that we still need the 37 points. So it means that it's 90% sure that I'll spend this year studying my ass off for all those exams that I didn't pass. You know, there's still the chance of asking my aunt's friend about adjusting my points a bit, he works at the uni. He arranged it so that I could enrol the uni without the entrance exam), and he might be able to arrange something now too but I'm not sure. But if I'm meant to do the first year again, then I don't have much to say to that, do I? Maybe I'll understand the reasons for it later, so I've decided not to fret about it that much.
I'm tired and hungry but I'm not going to laze at home, oh no. I'm going shopping, though I don't really feel like it, but I know I have to find that damn coat. I just can't bear the thought of having to take the bus to the centre, it's so hot and it feels like the bus has turned into a sauna, and all the carefully applied make-up disappears as if by magic. Thank God for waterproof mascara though!
Just one more thing about the ESTC points - only 16% of the 1st year students have enough points for the second year! Isn't that crazy? And in the rules it says that at least 25% should have the required points. We're probably the dumbest generation ever. Hooray! So.. I'm not sure if the rumour about the 28 points really is true after all, it might not just have reached the office people yet (that's how well information travels around the uni). I'll keep my fingers crossed.
(Heidi, mailaan sulle tanaan!)
2:21 p.m. - 2007-10-02
My feet are aching
I was supposed to find myself a pretty coat and jeans today but instead I ended up buying a long-sleeved knitted top from Zara. I did find this cute grey coat from Zara, it was about 8500 dinars (about 108 euros), but apparently my bust is just TOO DAMN BIG for anything pretty. I tried on a coat that was one size bigger and it hanged on me like a an empty sack. Definitely not pretty. But the knit is really nice, it's chocolate brown and not made of anything artificial (okay, there's a bit of nylon, just a few percents, but that's just good) and the sleeves are narrow and make my arms look more slender than they really are. I paid 30 euros for it which isn't that much, considering how much higher Zara's prices are here than in Finland.
I tried on a couple of tops at Mango, but apparently those were one of those clothes that look cute on the shelf but when you try them on, you realize that your body is all wrong and that these tops definitely look cuter on the shelf than on you. I also checked Legend's new jeans collection and came to the solution that all of the new jeans are horrible, I'm sure I saw similar jeans somewhere 2 years ago. Even I'd design better-looking jeans than what those things were and I'm sure people would buy them. I can't see anyone buying the jeans that I saw today, at least not anyone who is sane.
Somehow I also bought Marian Keyes's 'Anybody out there?' and 'Watermelon'. I even managed to get the first book's price reduced because some of the pages are a bit ripped. Not that it'd bother me that much because all the text is there, the pages are just slightly ripped, but if there's a chance of getting that 20% off the price, I will use that chance. And it was worth it! I just love reading Marian Keyes, I have almost all of her books (in English, Finnish and Serbian, wish I had them all in one language).
Right now I'm re-reading Kathleen Tessaro's 'Elegance' (and some ecoclimatology too, don't worry), and I just can't stop wondering how much alike me and Louise are. I mean, not 100% but like.. 90%. If you haven't read the book yet, I strongly recommend you to do so asap.
Not much else going on in my life, you know I'd tell you if there was.
Something to listen to:
Natalie Walker - Quicksand (Stuhr Remix)
This is kinda like lazy electronic chillout dream pop, or trip-hop. Really really good. If it was possible to be in love with a song, I'd definitely be it with this one.
8:00 p.m. - 2007-09-26
World at large
I've spent most of this day pondering about my dad and writing my thoughts down, NOT studying ecoclimatology or anything else. I also gave myself a few free moments to lie down on my bed and just let my imagination take me somewhere far away, because I really needed it. You know, on the other hand I understand dad and the way he thinks, but then sometimes.. how I wish I could be what he expects me to be. But then I wouldn't be me.
I've prepared myself to rant about this subject, but today is not the day for something as time-consuming as that.
What was the last..
1) ..book you read?
2) ..movie you rented?
3) ..music you purchased?
4) ..thing you bought yourself?
1) The Birth of Venus by Sarah Dunant (brilliant)
2) The Devil Wears Prada (a bit of a disappointment)
3) Two albums by Air: Moon Safari and Talkie Walkie (Talkie Walkie is my favourite, and all in all Air is just great)
4) A new lighter that actually works.
11:54 a.m. - 2007-09-26
Joop
Mm, miten t�n sanoisin. No siis. En p��ssy l�pi sit� v�litentti� siis, en edes l�helle rajaa. Assistentti n�ytti mulle miss� mokasin (aika noloja perusvirheit� teht�vien alussa) ja olin v�h�n silleen ett� joo, no, kiitti ja n�h��n tammikuussa. Se oli tosi asiallinen ja yst�v�llinen mik� h�mm�stytti mua v�h�n, koska se on ollut joskus tosi vittumainen joillekin opiskelijoille (ei mulle, kun en koskaan oo vaivautunut menem��n matskun assistenttien/proffien juttusille kamalasti). Mua vaan vituttaa ett� menin mokaamaan sen maailman yksinkertaisimman vikan teht�v�n (suunnikkaan pinta-ala parin mutkan kautta), vaan koska ymm�rsin v��rin yhden sanan, ja sitten mun is� viel� kehtasi olla v�h�n vihainen siit� ett� en �lynnyt tajuta sit� sanaa englannin kautta. Niin ett� silleen. Ihan vitun mahtavaa.
Oli jotenkin v�h�n paska olo kun tulin kotiin, mp3:sta loppu akku ja alkoi tihuttaa ja hiukset meni ihan aaltoileviksi (vaivalla suoristettu) ja mulla oli kamala p��ns�rky. Enk� m� edes pystynyt nukkumaan kun tulin kotiin. Hassua ett� aina silloin kun oikeasti haluaisi nukkua niin ei vaan voi, ja silloin kun ei sais (vaan pit�is lukea esim. ekoklimatologiaa), niin silloin tietysti nukahtaa s�ngylle kirja k�dess�.
Marina on just mesess�, se pirist�� aina ihan sairaasti. :)
Heidi (jos luet t�t�), mailaan sulle t�n p�iv�n aikana!
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