3:22 p.m. - 2007-09-24
Oh well
Didn't pass the exam, but I'm too tired to care. Dad cares more than I do, he was actually a bit angry with me, though he tried to hide it. I give him points for at least trying because before he left to Paris, he didn't even try. It's just that I've kinda forgotten what it feels like to be a failure in your dad's eyes and what it feels like when you never hear the words "it doesn't matter, next time better luck". But it's ok, you know what they say - you can't miss something you never even had. (But between just you and me, that's bullshit.) I just.. When I was a kid I thought my parents were some sort of superheroes that could do anything and who knew everything but now that I've grown up a bit, I see they do a lot of mistakes and aren't always right. It's kinda upsetting, because who am I supposed to look up to now? Who'll always be there for me if not my parents? Who'll say the words I need to hear even if they weren't true? I haven't got the slightest idea.
I don't know if this makes everything worse or not, but I went to ask the professor about my points, i.e. how bad I did, but she said she was busy and that I could come on Wednesday at 8 to see my points and if they're close to the limit of passing, she'll let me do this one extra thing with other students, and if I do that right, then I can take the exam on Thursday. It's just so fucked up because the things in the mid-term exams weren't those that I had practised with my instructor. But in a way it makes sense because then they have to be in the exam. Everything's so complicated.
Me and Marina talked in msn last night, it was so great after such a long a pause. We have a date on Saturday in msn, she'll read 'Barry Trotter' for me. I love that book.
Have to go, Mini needs to go for a walk and I'm going to be so late from maths. Yeah, I'm still go to the lessons despite today's failure. I don't feel like it at all, though, I'd rather stay home and go to sleep.
7:46 p.m. - 2007-09-23
:( :( :(
Tomorrow is the big and scary maths mid-term exam thing. I'm scared to death, kind of. I know I don't know everything and I might not even remember everything that I know. And knowing that my brain is like a leaky cauldron/some other similar thing (referring to an earlier entry), I don't think my chances of passing it are very good. My stomach hurts a bit already know, and I've got chills running down my spine. I know I'm not in good terms with maths and everything that has something to do with it, but could you please this one time let me pass just one damn maths exam? I can't describe how good it would feel. But, as my luck will probably have it, I won't post an entry tomorrow because I'm so ashamed of not passing one pathetic mid-term exam. Sigh.
I'm going to kill someone if I don't pass. Though if I don't pass, the only one to blame is me, and despite all the bitching that I do here about my life and how it sucks etc, I actually like it. It's the best I can get at the moment so I'd rather stay alive a bit longer than die because of maths. AND I know a million better reasons to die for than maths. Still, thinking of those other million reasons won't help me tomorrow if I don't pass.
I need to eat something, I've eaten only breakfast today. And then I'll skim through my notes for the one last time and get scared as fuck when I realize that I really know nothing, and then I'll decide that I don't care (indifference put in it's right use, because I wouldn't get any sleep if I let myself worry), go to sleep and wake up at 6:30 a.m. well rested and as happy as a girl who knows she's going to pass an exam. Good plan. Good plan.
1:49 p.m. - 2007-09-22
\"Somewhere down this road, I know someone's waiting\"
Maths exams are drawing nearer. I'm more than a bit nervous, but I get so frustrated when I do the exercises and before I know, instead of dull formulas I'm scribbling funny doodles on the paper. My maths teacher got tired of not being able to see what I write (she's old) because my hand-writing is so small and the paper I borrowed from her (forgot my own) was so "slippery" and my pen's HB leads didn't make the formulas any easier to read. So, she gave me some B leads, and as I did my homework a couple of nights ago, I noticed how good the new lead felt, so I tried drawing something, and.. you know how it is. Once I start drawing something I can't stop. Things just burst out from my pen, it was almost therapeutical. Most of the doodles are just worthless crap, I mean, they're pretty (I guess), but they're so.. they don't say anything to me. They're not alive. Maybe 2 drawings out of 10 turn out the way I like them. I wish I knew what other people think about them. Do they think all of my drawings are worthless crap or do they perhaps feel what I felt when I drew them?
I wish I could take drawing lessons so that I'd learn to paint better. I tried to paint one of my drawings and it didn't turn out the way I wanted, I fucked up the lashes and the girl ended up looking like a hooker after a rough night. Which was not my intention.
I'm off to put on some make-up and get dressed, at 3 p.m. I have my second last maths lesson before the big and scary renewal mid-term exam. If I had the habit of biting my nails, I'd probably do so now but since it's the same as licking the toilet, I'll rather crack my knuckles. My teacher will be cracking my head though if I'm late (I was late 10 min yesterday) so I should really go now.
Something to listen to:
Daft Punk - Something about us
Aaliyah - Journey to the past
TLC - Unpretty
Lucie Silvas - Without you
Later: Oh crap. I used all of my one B lead. Now I've got only my crappy HB leads and they don't feel half as good on the paper. And I know I KNOW, you're not supposed to draw with a pen that uses leads but a real pen, you know, that you actually have to sharpen at times, but I hate those pens and how they get so short and they're never sharp enough. Ever. And I always lose the sharpeners. Anyway. Now I actually have to do those dull maths exercises instead of idly drawing something and dreaming. I think my brain might explode.
3:34 p.m. - 2007-09-20
Sometimes I don't feel like talking at all
Sorry for yesterday, guys. Really. I was feeling really sucky and everything felt wrong, I mean, almost everything. I feel just so.. uh, I can't express my feelings right anymore. I feel extremely happy because of certain people in my life but also, at the same time I feel so horrible because of my own childish behaviour and laziness and some other people in my life (coughmybrothercough), and when you mix the optimistic and the pessimistic sides of me, you get a very confused young woman that is very hard to understand. I try to understand myself but it's not so easy even for me. Many times I feel like crying because I'm so confused, but during the past few days I wasn't even able to do that. But I'm better now, after venting my feelings yesterday. I even managed to feel bad because of eating too much carbs 10 minutes ago and I got really emotional when I read Heidi's e-mail, so.. I'm me again!
My middle brother came last night at around 4 a.m. or something, I remember hearing through my sleep my brothers and dad speaking. I also remember wishing that they would shut up because I wanted to continue dreaming (it was something nice, I suppose). I woke up at 9:30, I don't remember when was the last time I had woken up so late, and of course I panicked because I still hadn't finished my maths homework and I also had to find time to straighten my hair and all that stuff. I did try to do the homework but when it comes to looking ok and doing your homework, I choose the first option because there is NO WAY I'm going out with unruly and half-curly hair that makes me look like a.. a pathetic person. So I was late 30 min. But I explained my teacher that my brother came last night and I stayed up really late and slept in this, which in a way was true so practically I wasn't lying.
I'm so glad my middle brother is here, I really am. We had a short conversation this morning and it was more heart-warming than all the conversations between me and my youngest brother added together.
My oldest brother found me on Facebook, I'm not sure whether to be happy or scared. He added me AND my youngest brother as friends, and now he (youngest brother) probably knows that I have an account at Facebook. I knew he had an account already before I saw him on my oldest brother's friend list but he didn't know that I have, and I don't know whether I should add him as a friend or not. I think I'll wait. Thank God Facebook isn't linked to my diary! Because THAT WOULD BE HORRIBLE. The end of the world. I'd have to delete this diary and make a new one.
Damn you Facebook for revealing me. The internet is a surprisingly small place after all.
8:27 p.m. - 2007-09-19
Hey ho
Hey, I'm 20, a bit sad, a bit frustrated and not passing much of my exams. My life is great. I don't even want to go shopping anymore. The sight of my possibly slightly skinnier (in comparison with the past, not by any means skinny) body that I see when I look in the mirror brings me only little joy to me. I have made indifference the greatest art there is and it sucks. It sucks real bad. But like I said, if I stopped being indifferent and let the bad things get me, I'd break down and never get up. Oh well, at least for some time, you know what I mean. And you know what they say, never say never. I just don't know what to feel anymore, dad gives me moral lectures every day, I know them all by heart and could recite them to you here and now if I wanted to, word by word. I'm very tired all the time, even if I slept 8 hours per night, and even my dad said that I looked like crap the other day when I woke up. Good morning to you too, dad. I feel a bit lost right now, in the middle of all these failed exams and my dad's hopes and the endless sea of stress, worries and tears that refuse to be shed. I don't even think about food that much anymore. I feel like I'm watching my life as an outsider, not being able to stop myself from making the same mistakes again and again.
I don't feel depressed, I just feel indifferent. I think it's worse because I don't have the will to change. If I was depressed, I'd be desperate for a helping hand or anything, but now.. I'm maybe a bit interested in what will happen when I continue being indifferent like this, letting the flow of life take me where it wants. I think I should be more than just slightly interested in what will happen with my life, don't you think?
Maths mid-term exam is on next weeks Monday, I think it's the 23rd. The actual exam is on the 27th, assuming that I pass the mid-term exam. I've been going to maths lessons every day this week, my professor said it's a good idea (my dad agrees fiercely with her) and dad pays for the lessons, so why not? I learn stuff there. We/I calculated integrals today, I did them for the first time in my life. Please don't ask me what I did in high school or at the uni last year because I'd be forced to lie/make the truth a bit prettier. But the funny thing is that I'm good at integrals, believe it or not. I don't find them difficult, even if they were a bit scary at first. Learning and understanding maths brings me comfort, the same kind of comfort that I used to get from thinking how I denied something good from myself and saw myself losing some weight as the result of it. I think it's the satisfaction caused by knowing that I'm able to control something in my life. AND I used to be terrible at maths, really terrible. Remember how I failed those exams? Now, if I was given more than 4 pathetic days to revise for the next week's exams I might even manage NOT to fail them, but in these conditions I'm not so sure about it. I mean, I'm not exactly Einstein and even if I sometimes can understand maths with amazing ease (let me have my moments, they're so rare), it takes me huge efforts to actually remember all that I've learned. My brain is like a leaky cauldron, I can't make the information stay there. Maybe if I was under less stress I could manage a minor miracle and actually pass next week's challenges, but what to do when the challenges are the cause of my stress?
My maths professor told me something today that comforted me a bit. "Honey, if maths was meant to be easy, every granny could be a diplomat engineer." I guess it's so.. I just don't get it, why can't at least SOMETHING, just something, come easy in this life? I'm tired of having to do my own steeplechase all the time, while people change the obstacles and their places. Sigh. I think I'll go finish my maths homework. It's hard though, when my mind is so occupied with other things and.. people. Or one person. On top of this all, why do human relations have to be so damn difficult? I don't really want to enter this subject now because it'd mean an endless rant about silly stuff. And I think I've been silly enough for one entry.
My middle brother is coming tonight, somewhere around 3 a.m., but I'm so tired already now that I'm not sure whether I'll be awake when he comes. Oh well, he'll understand. Though I know he's bringing me some stuff that I'd love to see right away, but still.. uh. I don't know.
Did I mention that my mp3 player is dying? This time it's for real and I don't know what to do with it. It won't go off and there isn't a battery that I could take off. I know there's this little hole in which you're supposed to stick something tiny and sharp, and it's supposed to reboot the crappy machine, but what if all my songs are lost after that? There's stuff that I haven't got on the computer, all in all over 2000 songs, and I'll die rather than use the reboot hole without knowing actually what it does. Gah. I hope the problem passes before I have to take any serious actions.
