11:18 a.m. - 2007-08-08
Meh
I'm alive and kicking, bet everyone wanted to hear that. I was drop dead tired last night already in the bus and I kinda fell asleep for a few moments, but woke up when my mp3 player started playing 'Stayin' alive' by the good old Bee Gees. The trip went well, though I got a bit worried when I couldn't find a carrier at the airport. Luckily people recognized me as the girl with the slightly nervous and scared puppy and came talking to me, probably only trying to catch a glimpse of Mini, but anyway, I was grateful for this one Finnish couple helping me to find a carrier. I had so many bags that I couldn't carry them all and leaving them somewhere while trying to get a carrier (when there were no more free carriers) didn't seem like a good idea, for some reason. By this time Mini was sleeping in his bag, his little feelings hurt, because I didn't take him out of the bag in the plane - safety rules, you see. So, when I tried to take him out at the airport, he wouldn't come. He has a nasty habit of getting mad at people for the silliest reasons, and sometimes it just takes time for him to forgive. What a funny dog.
I didn't have time to eat yesterday anything else than a couple of sandwiches and diet coke, so when I got here I was starving. After changing the sheets and eating something, I fell asleep as if someone had turned the lights out inside my head. Didn't sleep so well, though, I had nightmares and when I woke up, it felt like the night had lasted only a couple of minutes. So, I'm still tired but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, and for me it's unpacking all my luggage. I now have a few more clothes and 10 pairs of shoes, three of which are flats. Not bad for a starting shoe addict?
10:28 a.m. - 2007-08-07
Last day
My luck sucks. I washed my hair last night so it was all curly and bushy this morning, a bit like Bach's wig on a bad day if you know what I mean, and I was dressed in my youngest sisters too small white tee and panties (no bras) and I had no make-up, when suddenly the doorbell rings. The youngest sister opens the door and my oldest brother's friend (O) comes in. My first instinct is to hide and I saw that Marina was thinking the same, because she wasn't dressed either, though her hair was much better than mine, kinda like Beyonc�'s. I thought that guy would realize that we're not able to socialize with anyone in that state, but no, he just said "ok, get your pants on" and walked into the kitchen! When I know how shitty I look, I can't act naturally with anyone, not even with people who surely aren't the least bit interested in the way I look. But still, I would've stayed away from the kitchen if I was him.
Anyway, I have to get dressed now and straighten my hair and put my face on before taking care of some unfinished business, like bank stuff, KELA, etc. etc. It's boring but I have to take care of it because my plane leaves at 5 p.m. The next time I write here, I'll be in Belgrade again. Nice.
11:14 p.m. - 2007-08-06
Trop cool
I can't believe what my middle brother gave me for my birthday! A Markus Ruby watch with a solid band, platinum plated, 4 diamonds and a mother-of-pearl dial. First I thought it was just a really pretty watch with a nice fancy box and a gold card inside, but when my brother casually said: "Btw, those are diamonds", I was like, "wtf, real diamonds??!", and.. I mean, what the hell? Since I still have some manners I didn't ask how much it costs and how did he buy/get it, but I sure know how to use google. On their website it says that the watch is worth 502 euros, which is pretty damn expensive for at least me. I have no idea how he got the watch because he can't have spent hundreds of euros on my 20th birthday present. And secondly, HOW can he be so nice to me?
I like him the most of my brothers but not because he buys me stuff, it's because he's almost always thoughtful and kind to me, and most importantly, he cares.
Don't know why but that watch makes me feel really good. I don't think Marilyn Monroe was right when she sang about diamonds being a girl's best friend, because we all know that gay guys are a girl's best friend, but maybe she meant that the people giving the diamonds are somehow special and important, like best friends.
11:15 p.m. - 2007-08-05
A healthy addiction to shoes
I think it's now official - I'm obsessed with shoes. Marina went to get the shoes that I looked at DinSko yesterday, and they make me feel so feminine and pretty and everything! I know I was supposed to buy flats but the heel is so low (about 4 cm, who knows) that they are almost flats. They're classic black high-heels (a bit pointed though), and they're made of plastic, but who cares as long as they're pretty and make the person wearing them feel wonderful. Mum isn't happy because they're plastic and I wasn't supposed to buy another pair of heels, but like Caitlin said in 6teen today (yeah, I still watch cartoons), "shoes meant for walking are never the pretty shoes". So so true.
The best part is that those shoes were Marina's b-day present for me! I adore that girl, I'm so lucky to have her as my sister. This whole birthday thing reminds me that I totally forgot to tell you what I got from other people! You already know what mum gave me, so there's no need to tell you that again. Iiris and Vilja gave me three, no wait, four things.
1) A air-freshener for a car that has a picture of a 50s girl smoking a cigarette, and it says "Cheap, fast and out of control". I'm so going to put it in my car! When I get one, that is.
2) A 'Grow your own gay best friend' figure! I've always wanted a gay best friend. This one is kinda small though, but once you put it into water for 72 hours, it'll grow 600% its size! So great.
3) A black silk scarf by Moschino, it's adorable. Iiris has the exact same scarf, which is cool.
4) A card that has a picture of another 50s girl, the card includes a badge that says "It's not easy being Queen of the entire Universe". !! I mean, how did they know??
Heidi gave me two lipsticks (I love them), a nailpolish and Pride and Prejudice, the DVD, which I've been meaning to buy for ages. I love that movie, not least because Mr. Darcy makes my heart leap. It's not because he'd be so "hot" or something, it's his.. personality and his nature. I know that if I ever get married, the unlucky guy (that I've managed to lure into marriage) will be like Mr. Darcy. Anywho, me and Heidi already watched it and giggled and laughed and gasped in all the right places, it was so fun. I was supposed to watch it again yesterday but they were showing 'A Streetcar Named Desire' and even if it was kinda depressing, I had to watch it because of the young Marlon Brando. No need to explain more, I suppose? Though if my boyfriend/husband would ever do what he did, I'd leave quicker than an Ethiopian distance runner.
I like being almost 20, though I know that getting older means nothing but less time to get a grip of myself. I don't know what I'll do if I fuck up this second year at the uni, too. Though, if I really think about it, I don't think I've blown it.. not yet. I still have a chance but what if this is not what I want? I really don't know what I want anymore. I don't want to study in Serbia but I do want to study landscape architecture. I want to study in Helsinki but I don't want to study that environment thing at Laurea. I wish I was super smart so that I could enrol TKK whenever I wanted and could study landscape architecture there. I know that all I need to do is to believe in myself because I know that I'm not a total loser, I can be smart sometimes. Those smart moments are just so rare.
Anyway, I'm going to enjoy my last two days in Helsinki as much as I can, though I'll probably spend the entire tomorrow packing my clothes and other stuff that I've left around the house. In the evening I'll be having coffee with Vilja and on my way home from downtown I'll drop by at Iiris's and probably have some more coffee and talk some more. It'll be the last time I see the two of them before Christmas, if I'm coming home for Christmas this year. Last year I was in Belgrade because of exams but maybe it was kinda good because my granny died a day after my brother left to Finland, so I got to be at her funeral and faint there. I still cringe when I think about it. Anyway, I don't know if I'll have time to see Anette before I leave, or Oona. I saw Heidi and Heikki today, so I won't have to leave feeling bad because of not seeing them.
I have to be somewhere tomorrow morning so I think I should probably go to sleep. Sorry for the extra long ranting about material stuff, I'll try to be more grown-up/zen/whatever next time.
4:02 p.m. - 2007-08-04
I don't do drama
I'm not feeling super well right now. My back is aching and I'm really tired after waking up abnormally early to meet Oona. I was first shopping with her at Hietsu's fleamarket, didn't buy anything though, and then with mum, who wanted to buy me stuff because I'm getting so old, 20 on next Friday. I didn't want to spend all her money so I just asked her to buy me empty DVDs, a new make-up brush, make-up powder, a moisturizing lotion that makes me look tanned and a new foundation creme. Maybe she feels bad for being a bit harsh on me a few days ago, when she herself wasn't feeling so well. I guess she wanted to take it out on someone and one wrong word made her get mad at me. I'm used to it though, having lived a year with my brother in Serbia, but I still don't like it.
I guess the back aches and me being overly emotional are just because of PMS - I got really emotional in the bus today, because of a song. Anyway, it was really stupid. I mean really stupid. It's not that I'd want to cry in public places, because I don't (and I didn't cry today, either), but I'm just so tired of suppressing my feelings all the time. All my life I've been afraid of showing my true feelings because it makes me more vulnerable, and I'm tired of it. I'm so damn sick of it.
Now I'm sure it's PMS.
Anyway, I'm about to call Heidi (I called her earlier today when I was shopping for shoes but my mobile's battery died) and then I'll announce Vilja that I'll be in K�pyl� in the near future (today, that is).
11:40 p.m. - 2007-08-03
Phew
Me, Iiris and her little sister went to Linnanm�ki (that amusement park thing) today, it was really fun, though very expensive too. I think I've finally grown up because not once did I feel sick or scared. We spent 4,5 hours there and I was exhausted after it, having fun is a great work-out.
Btw guys, no hangover. Maybe a slight headache but other than that I was feeling quite normal.
I'm kinda tired now.
(Oh yeah, and if anyone tries to call me and it says "t�h�n puhelimeen ei juuri nyt saada yhteytt�", just call again because I never turn my mobile off. It's just that my mobile still isn't working properly, apparently, because it doesn't always accept calls. Oh the fun. I hate Nokia.)
2:19 a.m. - 2007-08-03
Slight post-drunkenness
Mm. The evening ended up being more fun than I expected, which is nice. I'm usually kinda optimistic but sometimes it pays off to be a pessimist. You know what they say, a pessimist is never disappointed. Though I also got more drunk than I thought, which was surprising because I only had four drinks (mostly vodka with pineapple juice), but then again I ate only apple muesli and a pizza yesterday.. and coffee. Now I feel slightly sick, and I smell like cigarettes which just makes the nausea worse. I also look like a hooker that has been in a trash can for a few days, but that's just because I'm not wearing my pants (had to ditch them, it's not like anyone else'd be awake at this time) and my eye make-up, which is.. well, a bit hooker-ish at the moment.
I don't feel like sleeping. Can't decide whether to just try to get some sleep or go say hello to my old friend, Mr. Toilet. Uhh. Maybe I'll just try sleeping..
4:35 p.m. - 2007-08-02
Don't you know that we love you
I was taking care of some paper stuff that my middle brother didn't have time to do, when my youngest sister called and tried to hiss that it's my brother's birthday (he was somewhere close, I guess), and I was like "oh fuck", because I had totally forgotten it. Am I a great sister or what? Luckily Marina (and her money) was with me so we started wondering what to buy for him. We had three options: alcohol (but I'm under 20 so I couldn't have gotten any of the real good stuff), DVDs or a gift card. 24-year-olds are difficult to buy gifts for! After many painful moments we ended up buying him Rocky Balboa, that DVD, and a gift card for Sokos so that he can pick something that he really likes, because I can't say that I'd know his or any other 24-year-old guys mind that well.
Tonight I'm going out with my friends for the last time here in Helsinki. I guess I sorta look forward to it, but for some really weird reason I have a bad feeling about it. Hm. I can already now say that I won't be hungover tomorrow morning, which is probably a good thing, because I only have 20 euros (plus some money on my account but using Visa Electron in a bar is a huge no-no, because if I'm a bit drunk, I get a bit care-free and start spending too much money) and that's not enough to get a hangover. Unfortunately Heidi had to cancel because she's sick, and it sucks, but at least we'll see on Sunday.
Oh yeah, I got "my" mobile back. All that's left of my old mobile are the covers, they changed the whole thing into a new one because apparently it was so fucked up that they couldn't fix it. It was dropped only 4 times (2 times by me) but the problems started already before that, so you can't blame me. Luckily I didn't have to pay anything for it, thanks to this thing called guarantee.
I'm off to wash my hair and wonder what to wear tonight. Making decisions can be so difficult, especially when it's about clothes.
Something to listen to:
Destiny's Child - Girl
11:29 p.m. - 2007-07-31
50s & 60s
I'm actually not at all sorry for writing yesterday's entry. In fact, it made me feel kinda good, because for once I was being honest with myself and didn't bother to disguise my words as something else. Encouraged by the good feeling, I took my old diaries (a moment of insanity, clearly) and wondered who the hell has written them. I mean, seriously! Back then (in 2003 and 2004) I didn't even dream of walking in high heels, make-up, long nights at bars and dancing with strangers. Okay, the last two still don't happen that often but you get my point. Anyway, I had written down a couple of hilarious text messages written by Heidi in 2003 and the famous words that Ricky said when he saw the, err.. well, when he saw me in that window. "Virgin Mary! What a pure sight this is!" I read the most interesting bits from my diaries and couldn't help laughing, very silently though, because it was about 2 a.m. and I was the only one awake.
I'm getting my mobile back tomorrow! I can't wait, really. The memory will be erased but at least it'll finally work as it should.
I'm currently obsessed with oldies, I'm listening to Sam Cooke, Chuck Berry and Dean Martin and everything. And I kinda like it. It keeps me happy, a bit like my fuchsia pink nails.
09:16 p.m. - 2007-07-30
I want to quote so many songs that I can't decide which one to quote
I'm probably going to regret this and all, you know, writing an entry on the same day that I experienced one of the strongest emotional, err, "things" in a while. I wouldn't call it an HEO (hysterical emotional outburst, surely you remember) because a) I wasn't hysterical and b) it wasn't really an outburst. So, if I sound a bit weird, it's because I still haven't had time to let the information/feelings/whatever sink in.
Me and Heidi talked about Mikael. I got to know something that I didn't know earlier.. but it didn't change much how I feel about all this. It's just weird that no matter what, I can't get past the fact that I still wish I was in contact with him. Weird, huh? It was difficult for me to talk about it face to face with Heidi, because.. well, I haven't talked about it with anyone in a really long time, and I've never talked about it with the same certainty as today, and it was kinda tough for me. She hugged me and I can't explain how much it meant to me, I almost started crying. Yeah, it sounds worse than it was.. But I can't say that it doesn't hurt to know that the one thing I hope for will never ever happen. Call me stupid but I can't help it.
It was good to see Anette! We had a laugh talking about Birmingham and life there, her broken bed and everything. It really is a shame that I won't see Jack, her boyfriend, because I leave back to Belgrade already on next week's Tuesday. Though on the other hand, in Belgrade I won't have the same distractions as I have here and can probably concentrate on my studies 10 times better there than here. I just regret that I have to spend my real birthday there. I hope my aunt hasn't arranged anything because I sure won't be arranging a thing, probably because I'm still going to be so shocked about coming back to Serbia that I can't really do anything else than stare at the wall and wish I was back in Helsinki.
Something to listen to:
Eric Clapton - Wonderful tonight
