11:06 p.m. - 2007-05-07
\"Don't know about luck but I know the lack of it\"
Woah, this thing actually works! I thought I could post a couple of entries, one of which some people have already read (like Oona and Anette) and which I deleted after I started feeling better. But I dunno, I've been feeling like that for a long time, even now at this very moment, so it's still kind of.. not out-dated? The other entry is something that I wrote about Nessu on last Wednesday or something.
1. "Dear diary,
2007-05-01 @ 4:42 p.m.
Tuesday
for the past month or so my stomach has been aching almost every day. The only reason for this, in my mind, is.. well, my mind. All the stress. Everything. My brother. All my so-called failures here. Expectations. I'm afraid this will be like high school all over again, minus the teen angst. Lately I've been just so nervous and I've seen nightmares and I can't get sleep, and when I do get sleep, I sleep restlessly, worrying even in my dreams. Sometimes I can start crying for no reason at all and I can feel lonely even if I'm surrounded by people. Sometimes my hands are shaky, I drop things, I have headaches. Sometimes I feel so strange, like right now. I just can't explain it. My heart is racing like I'd be waiting to hear maths exam's results or something. Yet somehow, in the middle of all this, I manage to feel amazingly guilty because of the piece of pie that I just ate. But I've lost weight which is a good thing, I guess. But how much weight would I have lost if I hadn't eaten all that unhealthy stuff! All these demotivating thoughts keep flowing in and out of my mind and, like the rest of the stuff in my mind, I can't grab them. I can't concentrate on anything. Sometimes I get excited about cramming for the exams but then the usual thing happens, I lose my interest. I get excited about lots of things but after a while I get bored of them and start trying to find something new that'd make me feel better. It's like chewing gum that loses its taste.
My head is filled with all this stuff that I want to tell to someone or somewhere, like here. I want someone to say "I understand you, I know what you feel like". And I want them to mean it.
I'm just overly neurotic. Yes, neurotic, that's the word."
Maybe I'm neurotic all the time? Like 24/7?
2. "2.5.07
Need to talk about Nessu.
Aah, this subject always makes me happy. The breeder e-mailed me photos of him last night! I haven�t heard of her in three weeks so it was a nice surprise, especially since yesterday was kinda sucky. My heart literally melted when I saw his cuteness, and now all I want to do is to squeeze and cuddle him and teach him how to be a real badass pup. His other eye is light blue which isn�t necessarily a bad thing because the breeder said that the same thing happened with Nessus� dad and his blue eye changed to brown when he grew up. So, I hope that the same thing will happen with Nessu too, because one blue eye might mean bad news for my baby�s show dog career. But on the other hand.. don�t you think different kinds of eyes would look somehow.. cool? I don�t know, it wouldn�t be the end of my world if the eye didn�t change colour. He�d be my couch champion anyway
He weighs around 1 kg now (is that about 2 pounds?) even if he�s already 6 weeks old, can you imagine anything so small? Normal-sized dachshund puppies weigh about 1 kg when they�re 3 weeks old. The breeder also told me that he�s the leader of the litter, always doing things first and being really active and curious. Isn�t he the most perfect puppy ever?? I mean, that�s just what good puppies are supposed to be like! They say that if you�re going to see the puppies for the first time to choose which one you�re gonna take, you should always pick the one who comes to you first. All I hope is that we don�t get into fights over who�s the boss in the house when he gets older.
I think I might ask the breeder if I could put pics of Nessu here or somewhere else, he�s so adorable that you really should see him. In fact, he�s so adorable that even my grumpy brother likes him already. I wonder what Buli will think of Nessu? Though Buli and my brother will live in my grandmum�s old house by the time I return home from Finland, in August, I�ll take Nessu to play with Buli so that he�ll have some dog buddies too.
"When I return home from Finland." Didn�t mean to write that, did I?"
The next night I dreamed that I was travelling in Europe and then returned home, to Finland. Not here. I don't know if this place will ever feel like home..
As I'm sure everyone is soooo interested in what I did during my absence, I decided to give you a short explanation.
Friday: Hanged out with Sofija after all the uni stuff. She remembered that I was from somewhere north but not exactly where, so she asked me if I was from Canada, because of my English (I had helped her with something earlier). It was one of the nicest compliments I've heard in a while.
In the evening me and my brother went to M's, which wasn't such a good idea after all, despite the fact that I agreed to go to a hairdresser's with M's sister, because that night triggered some sort of a fight between me and my brother.
Saturday: My brother seemed to be a bit nicer to me on Saturday, probably because he felt bad about his previous night's behaviour, but it probably wasn't that.. maybe he was just so happy about all the girls that he has now "in store" (heard him talking about them).
Sunday: Me and my brother had a major fight, though it didn't include shouting and throwing stuff. It goes deeper than that, I wish we had yelled at each other! He just made me feel so.. so bad, that once again I thought how difficult life here is and how I just want to go home, to Finland where I belong. When he left somewhere (probably to meet one of those girls in store), I ended up crying to mum on MSN how I hate him and how I want to go home. It was kinda bad. It still is. I really find it hard to find the words to describe the situation right now. I feel like he hates me and I KNOW that I hate him. The feeling is so much more powerful than what I've ever felt that it's scary. My head is aching from all the crying and words that I can't make myself say to him, all I want is him to move out so that I don't have to see him. I try imagining myself living with someone else, someone who would bother to say nice things from time to time, listen to what I have to say and.. do stuff that normal people do, you know, understand me and how I feel in the middle of all this. But the thought of this imaginary person doesn't really comfort me, in fact it just makes me even more sad because I know I'll never get that. I almost regret for showing my weak side to mum, but not quite. Not yet, anyway.
There's one thing that makes me smile and it's my brother and his friends' trip to this place where they've been already before, I guess it's someone's summer cottage or something. They'll stay there for almost two days. Two days, can you believe it? I'm free for two days!
Anyway, enough about that bastard. Let's talk about music! Lately I've found so many great bands that it's almost a bit freaky. Okay, RHCP isn't a new band but I've never realized how much I like their music. Other new bands are Rogue Wave, Peter Bjorn And John and Kasabian. PB&J is the best one of these three, Swedish indie pop. I really don't know what I'd do without music. It keeps me company when I can't get sleep and when I'm sad, it cheers me up. It's like a good friend of mine whom I've known for years, yet I still find new things about our relationship almost every day. It will never let me down or tell me how I'm a bad person, it will always be there for me. Unlike my brother.
