9:31 p.m. - 2007-04-01
Bio
family: 3 brothers, 2 sisters, mum, dad
pets: 2 dachshunds, Vili and Nalle (born in June 1997), and a black furry mixed-breed called Roki (his mom is a polski owczarek nizinny (PON) and dad is a spaniel (?)) who was born in March or April 2005
location: Helsinki, Finland/Belgrade, Serbia
The day I was born was 10.8.1987, Monday, and it was about 3 p.m. when my mum finally saw her first daughter. At home I had already three brothers waiting for me. Even my Serbian granny, who passed away in last December, had come to Helsinki because of my birth! She had bought already in 1981 a girly pink towel for the first child of our family because she was convinced that it was going to be a girl. The towel had to see 3 baby boys and wait 6 years until it finally found its rightful owner. My granny wanted my name to be Julia but my parents had unfortunately already decided to name me after my dad's grandmum who was born in 1887, exactly hundred years before me. In 1987 we lived in Munkkiniemi in a small flat but when my sister was born in 1990, the flat began being a bit too small and so we moved to K�pyl�, a pretty suburb in Helsinki filled with old wooden houses with big yards and lots of kids. I had friends there, like Kati and Nina who lived next to us, Liisa, who lived down the road, Pippuri (means Pepper), who lived a bit further, and so on. They were all older than me, born in -86 (except Nina), but it didn't matter, they were my best friends back then.
I had a very happy childhood, full of fun stuff, games, summer, friends. Endless happiness and no worries, I could say. I played a lot with my brothers and their friends, they were my heroes back then, I was always so proud of them, they were almost like my personal bodyguards who could do anything.
We lived in K�pyl� in a brown semi-detached house for 6 years. The yard was great, big enough for small children to play and mess around. Mirjam and Toivo, an elderly couple and our distant relatives, lived in the other half of that lovely house, and they always wanted us to visit them as often as possible. Me and Stepi (my youngest big brother with whom I now live here in Belgrade) were the ones who were there the most often. We used to pretend to be cats, we hid under the kitchen table and meowed until Mirjam or Toivo found us. It was so cute, they were always in the game with us and sighed where could those little cats be. Toivo always drew animals or told stories for me, he was really good at drawing, and Mirjam gave us money for ice-cream and sweets. She also took me to see the trains, there was this station nearby our place. She told me that she had taken my mum there in the 60s too, when she was a little girl. I liked it a lot. They both were so nice, they were the grandparents that I never really had since my Serbian grandparents lived 3000 km away, my mum's mum had her own problems and my stepgrandfather was a no-good ass who clearly had some mental disorder and/or problems. Anyway, in our yard we had rhubarbs, gooseberries, blackcurrants, and some other bushes too, we used to pick them in the autumn and mum would make jam and store it in the cellar. In the yard we had this huge pile of leaves that we collected every autumn, a hedgehog family moved into that pile of leaves every autumn. It was exciting to stay up late in the evening to see them going to the cup of milk we had left for them (that was before I found out that hedgehogs' tummies don't like milk).
In 1992 I started playing the cello. I chose cello only because you could sit while playing it, I wasn't that fond of standing back then (and I still don't like it, I start feeling dizzy if I stand too long). It was kind of a surprise to me, one day my dad just brought me a violin and a cello, and asked me to choose which one I liked better. I continued playing cello for 14 years. Sometimes I wish I had my cello here in Belgrade because I don't want my fingers to forget how to play. I also like playing it (come on, why else would I have done it for 14 years?) and I've noticed that it's a good way to express my feelings sometimes.
I grew up and went to school. I remember the first day in school, I sat next to Nina (not the Nina who lived next to us, this Nina lived quite near our school) and Markus and Pekko sat behind us. They always teased us and tried to draw something in our books, but we teased them back and drew in their books, too. Then if they continued drawing in our books, we shouted for the teacher and made it look like we hadn't done anything. It was fun, especially since Pekko and Markus had already been in the same kindergarten with us, but that's a whole different story. I didn't like comprehensive school that much, though I had some good friends there. Oona was my best friend since the third day of the first grade, we were truly best friends. We always played together, did things together (sometimes even stupid things that I regret) and had lots of fun. Nina was one of my best friends too, and me, Oona and Nina played a lot together. In the end of the second grade our teacher told us that our class would get a new student, but she didn�t know if it was a boy or a girl. We were all pretty excited, and when we started the third grade in autumn, we found out that we had four new students, two girls and two boys. They were all from the same school. I didn�t care about the boys, all I was thinking was if the girls were nice and if we could be friends. I just hoped that they wouldn�t be like the mean bitches from my class that no one else liked but themselves. Those two girls were Iiris and Vilja (surprise surprise). We got to know each other when they asked me to play dinosaurs with them! Soon we became really good friends and our friendship has lasted ever since that autumn day in 1996, and I really don't know the words to express my gratitude for their patience and everything that they have done for me during these years.
In the third grade we moved from K�pyl� to Palohein�, which was even further from downtown than K�pyl�. It was a peaceful place, surrounded by other semi-detached houses and gardens. It was the perfect place to raise your kids, lots of forests, old people and playgrounds, and with all that I continued growing up. I even got a new friend, Maiju, who was a couple of years younger than I was. She was one of my really good friends but our roads separated when we got older. I sometimes regret it but then again, some things are meant to be.
In 1997 I started doing aikido. A few girls started at the same time as I did but during the years every one of them quit. For a few years I was the only girl in the group, and it was.. well, I didn't like it very much. 12-year-old me alone with all those boys... Back then I was sure that boys had cooties and it was best to keep a distance of 3m, at least. I quit aikido in 2004 because after 7 years it wasn't fun anymore. I regret that too sometimes, but.. you know, 7 years really was enough.
I started the 7th grade in another school that was in downtown, together with Oona, Nina and Anniina. I loved Kruna when I came there, I had my friends with me, that was important. Iiris and Vilja had decided to stay in my old school but it didn�t matter at the time. I thought it wouldn't change anything, and it didn't. I got some new friends, got decent grades, did well and was a good student in every possible way. In the beginning of the 7th grade me and Oona's friendship started deteriorating for some reason and it affected me quite a lot. It was really tough for me to lose my best friend and it took me almost a couple of years to get over it but I really did it. I think it changed me quite a lot as a person, but like I've said so many times, some things are just meant to be. It's destiny.
In 2003 I went to the secondary school (high school) of natural sciences in K�pyl�. After the sucky Jr. High time I decided to give myself a fresh start and changed myself a bit on purpose, because I didn't want everything to be the same as it was in Jr. High. I met there one of my best friends, Heidi, who taught me the noble art of skipping classes. We used to make a plan in the beginning of every semester so that we could maximize the joy of skipping as much classes as we could. In the first year I was still a good girl but due to some, uh, events it all started falling apart by the time I entered the second year.
One very important thing happened before that, though. It was the end of our summer holiday, in July 2004, when I got an e-mail from Oona. When I saw the sender, I thought it was a cruel joke and couldn't believe it. I had refused to talk about what happened in Jr. High until that day even with Marina, my sister and best friend, and I had almost managed to bury the memory of our friendsip when that e-mail arrived. I can honestly say that it was one of the happiest days in my life. Oona had found my diary via Iiris's pics in IRC-gallery and recognized me, and boy was I glad that she decided to e-mail me! I would've never done it because of my pride. We agreed to meet, I was really nervous before that. It was like getting to know a new person because we both had changed so much in 3 years. It took me some time to be able to relax in her company but all that time was worth it. Thanks to her my style got so much better, she was (and still is) my personal shopping assistant!
Because of numerous things I got really depressed during the second grade in high school. Those were awful times, I couldn't talk about it with anyone and when the school doctor suggested that I could have a chat with the school therapist, I refused because I knew that I would've started crying if I talked about it with anyone. The only person who I really talked about it with was Marina, and even if she was only 15 at the time, she was my biggest support. I was really moody, I lost weight and I was proud of my weight-loss and even more proud when my BMI showed that I was under-weight. I had the feeling that at least I could control my weight if not my grades, I was in control of something. I was never anorectic or even close to being one, but still a whole lot thinner than I am now - but now I'm definitely happier than then. During those times I started listening to The Clash and Ramones and began being interested in Emily the Strange. Luckily I got over my depression on my own because I had the courage to confess my mistakes to my parents, even if I never really talked things through with my mum. I guess I was angry with her that even if she saw that I wasn't feeling good at all, she didn't try hard enough to get through the shell I had created and help me. I think the fact that dad left to Paris in autumn of 2004 had something to do with my depression. When he left, I thought I was free of his surveillance and started slacking too much, and when I would've needed his help to get on the right track again, he wasn't there. But I don't blame him, it was completely my own fault and definitely an experience that made me stronger and changed me in a way, too.
In 2006 I managed to graduate and was definitely a whole lot more mature than in 2004. My final grades weren't that amazing but to me the only thing that mattered was that I had got through high school and that I was finally happy. In June, a couple of weeks after my graduation, I left to Belgrade with Marina for 1,5 months. I was aiming to enter the Faculty of Forestry so that I could start studying landscape architecture (inspired by my dad who's an architect). I got in, not by passing the entrance exam but thanks to the fact that I was the only foreign applicant and they wanted me to enter their school because that would make them a bit more "international" and more modern. So, I had a secure study place both in Finland and in Serbia, and I decided to go first to Serbia and if things wouldn't go as planned, I could always return to Finland.
In the end of September, on the night of my farewell party at Barfly I finally talked things through with Oona, that was kind of like another milestone in my life. We hadn't done it ever since she e-mailed me in 2004, mostly because (I think) neither of us (or maybe it was more me) didn't want to bring up the subject. And even if I was under the influence of alcohol at the time of our big conversation, it didn't make it any less serious. I still can't believe how lucky I was to get to know her again, we've done so many things together that I couldn't have done with anyone else. My first real night out was with her, my first cigarette was with her, she taught me what kind of clothes to buy, stuff like that. After that second fresh start it felt really bad to leave but I had to (not that I wouldn't have missed my other friends!). So, two days after that I returned to Belgrade and started living with my youngest brother (which is sometimes more difficult than what it sounds).
Despite the horrible homesickness in the beginning, things are going okay right now, although it really hit me hard when my granny died, I still see dreams where she comes back. But, even if things sometimes seem to go easily, I know I need to work harder than anyone else because of my lack of skill in Serbian language. Sometimes I just don't feel like it's all worth it, why couldn't I do it the easy way and return to Finland where things would be so much easier and where all my best friends are? The reason for me still being here is the same pride that prevented me from trying to contact Oona - I just can't return to Finland unless I'm forced to. I need to show that I can do this. If I can't, then that's the way it's meant to be. If I've learned anything in high school, it's that sometimes you just can't take things so seriously, what will happen will happen and I will find happiness, no matter what path I will take.
