1:42 p.m. - 2007-08-20
Who says that murder's not an art
Went to the uni today just to find out that everybody's still on vacation, which means I walked in that heat (wearing heels) for nothing! Should probably try to study something but it's so hot that I can't think.
Yesterday I went to bed before midnight, can't remember when that would've happened the last time. And I couldn't get sleep, it was pretty horrible. Though on the other hand, I accidentally fell asleep yesterday afternoon and slept like a baby for 3 blissful hours. It relieved my headache a bit (that and coffee), but I still couldn't help feeling a bit nauseated. Couldn't eat much yesterday, I wasn't hungry at all and I didn't even remember to think about food. A good day! And I noticed that I've lost 2 kilos in about a week. I like Serbia, it's good for my figure.
I think I'm going to make a cup of coffee and then glue my ass to the chair in front of my desk and go through the rest of the ecoclimatology book. If only there weren't such distractions as cable channels, internet, mp3 player and bed! They're distroying my might-be-successful studying career at the uni.
Something to listen to:
David Bowie & Massive Attack - Nature Boy (I have to listen to this at least once a day, it's like a ritual)
1:23 p.m. - 2007-08-19
\"I try counting sheep, but there's one I always miss\"
I'm so bored. I've already arranged my books by the category, my CDs by the category (but that was quick because I have so few CDs) and my make-up and jewelry and updated my CD shopping list. What else is there to do? Except cramming for exams.. I'd wash the dishes and hoover the livingroom and wash the carpet, but I took care of the livingroom and carpet already yesterday and there are no dishes waiting to be washed, because my dad has told me and my brother to wash our own dishes right after eating, so there will be no dishes in the sink. Ever. What am I going to do now? I want to procrastinate but I don't have anything to do. Except maybe listening to music.. and read 'Under the duvet'. I have a killer headache which might have something to do with the fact that I went to sleep at 4 a.m. last night and still woke up at 10 a.m. Luckily dad went to church today, so he didn't wake me up at 8 a.m. to study (like he always does). I didn't have to go with him because of Mini, I can't leave him alone with Buli and since we have no separate rooms in this flat, I can't just put Mini in some room and leave. My dad knows this but he still thinks I'm some sort of a heathen that has abandoned her religion and beliefs. I just don't like going to the church because I always feel so dizzy there, because of the incenses and the sometimes hypnotic singing of the priest. Almost every time I have to leave at some point to go get some fresh air so that I wouldn't faint.
Fainting reminds me, we were yesterday at some relatives' and one of my dad's cousins, who is a doctor, said that the main reason for me fainting is probably that my brain doesn't get enough oxygen, and together with the horrible heat and low blood pressure they make the perfect combination that leads to me fainting. So, he doesn't think it's anything really serious like problems with the nervous system or something. Though he still thinks we should do a blood test and decide whether I should eat iron pills or something like that. Hm. I remember that in Jr. High (I don't remember about high school, I might've been in some sort of a coma during all of high school, judging by my grades) we were taught that smoking decreases your blood's ability to transport oxygen, because the nicotine or something like that takes the place of some other stuff that would normally carry oxygen, and then your over-all health decreases and you start panting easier and you can't run long distances (or you can but it's a real pain in the ass) because your brain doesn't get enough oxygen. But I'm not sure, I might be wrong.
I feel a bit shitty. I want to go to bed, pull the covers and sleep 'til this headache goes away. My brother has painkillers somewhere but I have no idea where, and he's at the uni now, which is weird, since it's SUNDAY. Btw, he broke up with that secret Serbian girlfriend, but I think he has another girl now, because he met this one girl last night and came home at around 1 a.m. The dumped girlfriend called him from someone else's mobile but didn't say anything, and she even texted him from another number (saying "you're in my mind"), but my brother found out that it was her. Why do girls like my brother so much that they want to stalk him after he's dumped them? I don't know if he still has that girlfriend anymore in Finland, but I know that one of her female friends who lives in Hungary now (she's half Hungarian) came to visit him in July. Though I don't think there's anything going on between them, they're old friends and she probably knows him too well/
Btw, did I tell you that the Bosnian guy that Marina was/is really interested in has gotten engaged with his girlfriend? And that girlfriend isn't Marina. And she's pissed off. She texted me, still shocked and furious and saying something along the lines "oh my fucking god", "I can't believe this", "I'm never going to speak with him again", "I'm going to fucking kill him", "he can't even come with her" and "I hope they break up soon". Poor girl, I don't understand why he likes that childish boy so much. I mean, she's so pretty that she could get anyone if she just tried (like Amigo, for example), but noo.. he wants the dumbest one there is. I don't sometimes understand her.
Sigh. My own life is so boring that I have to live through other people. Pathetic! Heh.
Updated shopping list:
Amadou & Mariam - Dimanche � Bamako
Peter Bjorn & John - Writer's Block
Air - Pocket Symphony
Pharrell - In My Mind
Kent - Vapen och Ammunition
Ruudolf - Mr. Universum
Kasabian - Kasabian
Rooney - Rooney
+ maybe Hot Chip's The Warning
+ the same old The Ark's CDs
2:04 p.m. - 2007-08-17
Welcome to my life
I've been feeling kinda weird and sleepy ever since I got up this morning. I couldn't concentrate on anything so instead of cramming for exams, I concentrated on Marian Keyes's 'Under the duvet' (which is really good, just like 'Lucy Sullivan is getting married' and 'Rachel's holiday'). Then I tried to open the ecoclimatology book but I was feeling so sleepy that I decided to relax a bit on the couch before starting to work, and before I noticed, I had fallen asleep. I slept for 2 hours and I guess I was still half asleep when I heard Mini walking somewhere, and I thought "omg, he has to go for a walk and I can't let him pee inside", so I jumped up from the couch and walked to the balcony. I probably just got up too quick and that's why it happened, but everything started going black and I had to grab the ventilator that's in the livingroom. The next thing I know I'm on the floor on my knees. I guess it wasn't real fainting, just half fainting. And I probably got up too quick from the couch. And it's really hot. Sigh. I just hate this feeling.
Me and my brother are taking Mini to the vet today to get one of his vaccinations against rabies or something. I hope he behaves well and doesn't make a scene like he did the last time. We should also get his nails cut once we take him to the vet's, and he'll definitely make a scene then!
---
I can't believe this shit. I fainted again, this time at the vet's. It just.. happened, when I saw Mini's blood coming out of the other end of the needle. It was so embarrassing, especially since the vet wasn't that bad-looking and kinda sweet. My brother grabbed my arm so tightly that I got a small bruise on it now. Uh, I wanted to die of shame.. It made me think that maybe I didn't "half faint" earlier today, maybe it was for real, because I don't really know what happened, I mean, did I fall fast or what? Nobody saw it and I don't know how long I was absent, though it didn't feel as bad as the second time. I just don't get it, why two times? Why? Maybe my blood pressure is just really really low. In last December, after I fainted at my granny's funeral, it was about 80/55 or 80/60, can't remember. I wonder what it is now.. Every time I faint I feel like crying, and I don't know why. I feel stupid and weak for not being able to stop it. And this is the fifth time. If I only didn't faint in public places.. I actually wanted to faint again today when I realized that I had fainted in front of the cute vet, just to avoid feeling so ashamed. Why is my life like this?
7:21 p.m. - 2007-08-16
Best Friend language that only we understand
I'm convinced that ecoclimatology is one of the most boring things ever invented on this stupid planet. Who cares how much of the sunlight is absorbed by forests, how much is reflected and how much is transmitted to God knows where? I don't care, for fuck's sake! And I'm supposed to pass this exam in September. I might as well hope to become a sexy long-legged Hollywood star with a great hair-do, sunkissed skin and gazelle eyes. Not to mention passing petrography or maths, I'm especially worried about the latter one.
I should go to the dean and ask about the ECTS credit points. If you want to study "on budget", i.e. you don't have to pay anything because you're so smart, you'd have to get 30 points out of 60 per year. It was originally a whole lot more but when the professors realized that the students at the uni are maybe a bit retarded or just plain lazy and it looked like just a handful of students was going to reach the original credit goal, they agreed that 30 is enough for budget students. If you want to study there and pay for your studies, you have to get 27 credit points and I think it sucks, because even if sounds so little, it's so.. so much. For me, anyway. But since I'm the only foreign student, I don't know if I should get the same amount of points as the native Serbians. I'm not native, I'm only half Serbian and I have the active vocabulary of a 4-year-old (the passive vocabulary is pretty good, actually). If I go to the dean, explain my tricky situation and ask really nicely about the Bologna process, I might get special treatment or something. This is really my only hope, because I just can't see myself getting those 27 credit points. I try to convince myself that I'm not dumb, but don't you think I should've learned the language perfectly after 9 months of living here? Can't help feeling a bit.. retarded sometimes.
The person I miss the most here is Marina (I miss Tinkku too, but she's still so young that it's different). She's my little sister and my really really best friend. I don't think anyone knows me as well as she does, there's nothing I couldn't tell her and nothing she couldn't tell me. I was touched when she said to me this on my last day in Helsinki: "Who am I going to talk shit with when you're gone?" She said that when I left in last September, she cried herself to sleep every night for a week. So did I, so did I. It's so funny how much we've both changed and how much we actually have in common, much more than we used to have and yet we've always been good friends. She smokes (though she says she's going to quit in the autumn), occasionally drinks (rarely), shows sometimes more cleavage than mum would approve of (when she goes to see Amigo) and dresses sometimes in really short skirts (this one I still don't do, at least not shorter than mid-thigh skirts) and I love her. t Though there's nothing more absurd than smoking with your little sister, I can tell you that.. I gave her all my cigarettes (1,25 packs, plus two that she asked me to buy for her from Belgrade) because I don't think I'll be needing them for some time. And if I for some reason happen to need them, I'll buy myself new ones, they're so cheap here. Anyway, I really miss her. Even if she's prettier than I am and has better body structure (she's got dad's, I've got mum's) and people sometimes think she's the older sister, hell will freeze over before I am jealous to her, we're far too good friends for that. On the contrary, I feel great when I go shopping with her, I feel proud of her. I can't wait until she's 18 so we can hit the bars together.
Sigh. Who am I going to talk shit with now when she's gone?
17:01 p.m. - 2007-08-14
Looong ranting about miscellaneous stuff
Hmm. I've been a bit down for the past few days. For the past week, to be more exact. It's just that I didn't think it'd be this horrible to come back, and I thought things would be okay, you know, not great but at least okay. Well, they weren't/aren't. I don't know how to explain how I feel without sounding too whiny, angsty or childish, so I think I'll pass.
It's weird how here in Serbia I think about food a lot more than in Finland. Maybe it's the pressure to be skinny and pretty like the rest of the Serbian female population, I don't know. All I know is that in Finland I hardly noticed what I was eating, though I didn't eat that unhealthy stuff. And yet I gained back 3 kilos! That's just so unfair. But I know I can't go back to eating ready-made soups and drinking diet coke, my hair looked so bad when I got to Finland and my nails.. uh. It's better not to talk about it!
Anywho.. It seems like I'm moving out of here in about 2 weeks. With my brother. And most likely with my middle brother too, because he's most likely coming to Serbia in the beginning of September. I really look forward to it since he's my favourite brother and everything. Anyway, my two brothers would live in the ground floor in my granny's old house, and I'd live in the basement. It sounds worse than it is, really, the room's actually pretty nice once we get rid of the horrible 60s carpets that cover the whole floor. I'd have my own kitchen and bathroom, though I probably wouldn't use the kitchen because it's pretty horrible and the fridge is more like a freezer. Remember the poor puppy that our stupid tenants took on Valentine's day when they still lived there? Well, I brought porridge and some minced meat for the dog and left the left-overs of the porridge in the fridge, and the next morning I came there, it was frozen. You see what I mean?
Of course this arrangement will be only temporary. This flat that I live in now, it'll be completely renovated in the beginning of next year or in the spring, and I'd have to move out anyway, and if I move out now, we can rent this flat and get 300 euros a month of extra money. I'd love to stay here and my dad said that I can stay if I want, I don't have to live with my two brothers (the other one being a perfectionist and a cleaning neurotic (when it's about mess that other people have caused) and the other one being a care-free messy kind of a guy), but do you really expect me to say "No dad, I don't want our family to get 300 euros a month more money, I want to be a selfish little brat and stay in this 50m2 flat all by my own even if I know perfectly well that I'll have to move out in the near future"??? I'm a people pleaser, and I usually try to do what's best for us all. I just don't always succeed in it, but this time I might just do. Besides, even if my younger big brother is horrible at times, I have a feeling that it will be better when he doesn't have to deal with my messyness all on his own - and he has someone else to blame. Luckily my middle brother is way taller than him and weighs a little less than 20 kilos more than he does (muscle, not fat - he's been going to the gym a lot lately), so if they ever get into a fight, I know who to bet for.
I should take Mini for a walk now, he's this close to being "potty-trained". Though I think he's a bit too addicted to my company, he won't let me go to the toilet on my own sometimes and when I take a shower, holy jesus.. he cries behind the door, scraping it. If I take him into the bathroom, he'll still cry because he wants to be in the bathtub with me. And he doesn't even like water. I have a weird dog, but you can't say that he's not cute.
10:33 p.m. - 2007-08-10
Tell me to stop listening to depressing love songs
So, it's my 20th birthday. I'd love to say that I feel so old and grown-up and blah blah blah, but to tell you the truth, I feel exactly the same as I did before, maybe a bit more blue. Thank God there's this thing called chocolate, B gave it to me today when she, M, my brother and I went for coffee to Park. I can't force myself to buy chocolate because it makes me feel so guilty and such a bad person, so it's nice she gave it to me because now I can't blame myself, and not eating chocolate that you have is a crime, really.
Birthdays used to seem so much more important but then again, so much has changed.. The things that used to mean the most to me are now practically nothing. Which is kinda sad. I'm glad though that my dad remembered, because ever since he's been in Paris, he's been a bit forgetful when it comes to weekdays, birthdays and holidays. I don't mind really because I'm the same too, a bit absent-minded at times.
I seem to be really tired all the time, I don't even have the energy to put on make-up. It's a nice change though, because all that hassle about trying to look pretty 24/7 is really exhausting. During the past few days I've been out many times without any make-up and today I didn't even straighten my hair, so it was a half-curly mess but surprisingly it was maybe sort of refreshing. I like myself more though with straight hair and some mascara. Then I don't feel so insecure about myself, because I do feel more insecure here in Serbia. I've talked about my "Serbian hottie" complex so many times that I bet everyone knows it.
Anyway, I guess this is enough for a birthday entry.
