11:59 p.m. - 2007-06-13
Meh
I came home about 20 minutes ago, I've been doing a lot today. Like, passing nature preservation exams. Yes, I really passed it! I didn't even realize it until some said that I passed. I think the professor felt sorry for me and didn't want to make me feel bad or something because I really thought that i wouldn't pass. it was this close that I didn't even take the exam.
In the evening we went to visit some relatives and Mihailo of course wouldn't even hear us when we said that we really don't need any alcohol. So, me and Marina ended up drinking vodka mixed with juice which was nice, I guess, even if it still feels a bit weird. Ever since B's birthday party (which was in March) and.. you know, the worst hangover I've ever had, I've started feeling sick even because of the smell of alcohol. I hope it passes soon.
I can't understand why I hate my brother so much. When he's "okay" (meaning: not nice but not so mean either), I can handle him, but when he starts that.. you know, being a jerk, I just feel this enormous hatred growing inside me. If I was a guy, I would've punched him in the face around a dozen times by now. I just can't understand, why does he always have to ruin everything? Why does he always have to be so mean? He clearly has no feelings at all but I do, unfortunately. I wish I was as cold-hearted as he is so that I wouldn't feel so hurt every time he says something stupid.
I can't believe that I once liked him and missed him when he was away.
Sorry for bitching about him once again but I really have to do it every now and then to release all the anger that builds up inside me. Don't take me seriously. Anyway, I'm really tired right now and I have a headache from hell so if you excuse me, I'll go to sleep now.
6:08 p.m. - 2007-06-12
Busy life
I finished my seminar work and gave it with the elaborat to the professor yesterday. After that I started stressing because of tomorrow's nature preservation exam, which we have to try to pass by discussing with the professor, which is not good because I get so nervous when I have to speak Serbian with someone who I don't know. Besides, yesterday the first group had the exam and only 3 out of 20 students passed, people said that the professor was on a really bad mood and pretty much snapped at everyone. Nice. I'm dead.
Enough about exams, I'm so sick of them that I HAVE to write about something else.
Today some (old) man (around 35, he looked kinda shabby and eurhg) came on to me in the bus, I wish I would've punched him or something. It was kinda gross, but it was already the second time so I'm not as shocked as I was the first time. Don't men know that it's kinda impolite to grope girls in the bus? Men are just so.. uh, I can't even say anything. Gross. Just gross.
I think I've grown during the past year or so. My sister was told (by the school nurse) that she's 171 cm tall, and I'm just about 1 cm taller than she is, so that makes me 172 cm tall. Woah! And I thought I was 169 cm tall.. Well, at least I was in high school. Funny how I've still grown, even if I'm 19 (20 in August).
Did I tell you that A, my oldest brother, left to Moscow a couple of days ago? He's working there for the next 3 months, and after that he's going to Fiji for a month with his friend. That's SO like him! But I'd like to go too, I mean, to Fiji with my friends, not with my brother and his friend.
I'll probably add more pics of Mini to Photobucket in the near future, once I have time.
1:50 p.m. - 2007-06-10
Miksen ole lomalla
Kamala stressi. Yritin eilen kirjoittaa jotain my�h��n illalla, mutta poistin sen entryn sitten loppujen lopuksi, mik� oli kai ihan hyv�. Oli tosi kiva n�hd� Marinaa ja Tinkkua, ne toi mulle jotain vaatteita ja pikkutavaroita ja sen sellaista. Marina tietysti puhui H:sta tosi paljon, ja kun m� sanoin sille ett� se tyyppi on sika, niin sokea siskoni vaan huokaisi ja sanoi jotain tyyliin: "Mutta ei se musta..." Miksi naiset on niin sokeita, kun miehet on kyseess�?
Rakas veljeni sai mut taas eilen raivostumaan, mik� melko lailla pilasi koko eilisen p�iv�n. Onneksi en niellyt sen ilkeyksi� niin kuin tavallisesti, vaan k�skin sit� olla hiljaa koska en jaksa kuunnella sen juttuja. Jostain syyst� se hiljeni? En jaksanut sanoa sille mit��n, kun min�, Marina ja Tinkku l�hdettiin k�ym��n t�din luona, mik� luultavasti korostui kun molemmat Tinkku ja Marina sanoi sille moi, mutta en jaksa aina olla kohtelias sille. Miksi jaksaisin kun ei se ole kohtelias mulle? Onneksi m� sain varmistuksen siit� etten ole vainoharhainen ja yliherkk� sen tyypin suhteen, kun Marinakin sanoi ett� se on kuin sill� olisi piikki perseess� koko ajan. Enp� olis itse osannut sanoa paremmin! Harmittaa vaan ett� annan sen suututtaa mut niin helposti, mun pit�isi olla sen lapsellisen k�yt�ksen yl�puolella.
Stressaa hirve�sti tentit ja kaikki, en tied� tulenko p��sem��n mist��n muusta l�pi kuin EHK� luonnonsuojeluh�mp�st�, ja sitten tietty enkusta ja maalauksesta. Miten m� tulen ikin� p��sem��n tokalle vuodelle? Maalauksesta sain muuten ysin! Olin ihan h�mm�stynyt, kun ei mulla edes ollut l�hesk��n tarpeeksi t�it� mun portfoliossa, ja niist�kin vain muutamasta ma tykk��n. Opin vasta kurssin loppupuolella sen oikean tekniikan akvarellien tekemiseen, mutta kaipa se proffa tykk�� musta niin paljon ja ymm�rsi (ehk�) etta niiss� t�iss� on potentiaalia tms, koska sain niin hyv�n arvosanan. Se ei tainnut antaa yht��n kymppej� t�ll� kurssilla, koska meid�n vuosikurssi oli kuulemma huonoin ikin� sen professoriuran aikana. Sen kuuleminen sai mut kielt�m�tt� hieman hermostuneeksi ja odotin arvosanaksi seiskaa, mik� sai sen ysin tuntumaan entist� paremmalta. Surullista vaan ett� m� olen p�rj�nnyt vain niiss� aineissa miss� ei tarvita serbiaa, ts. deskriptiivisess� geometriassa, maalauksessa, piirt�misess� ja englannissa. Petrografia, ekoklimatologia, kasvitiede, pedologia, geodesia ja kaikki.. m� en tied� miten tuun p�rj��m��n.
Mulla on viel� n. 2 sivua (A4) kirjoittamatta pedologian seminaarity�st�, jonka aiheen vaihdoin muuten antropogenisist� vaikutuksista eroosioon. Tied�n kai ett� m� pystyn siihen, mutta mua inhottaa kun joudun miettim��n niit� sanoja hirve�n kauan, ja lauserakenteet on ihan kamalan vaikeita pit�� yksinkertaisina. Joudun ensin miettim��n sen tekstin mieless� englanniksi ja sitten vasta serbiaksi, koska suoraan serbiaksi se on liian vaikeaa, eik� ole olemassa suomi-serbia-suomi -sanakirjaa. T�st� tulee pitk� p�iv�.
Palaan nyt seminaarity�n ��reen, oon pit�nyt taukoa ihan tarpeeksi.
11:18 a.m. - 2007-06-08
Hm
I'm a bit stressed right now, because of the pedology thing. If I don't return the seminar work to the professor on Monday, I won't get her signature and then I can't.. what's the word in English? Then I can't "verify" or "validate" or whatever this second semester. I wonder if she'll accept it if I return her just the covers and half a page of text? I mean, she'll have to.. I'll just get 0 points.
Then there's geodesy. We're supposed to draw this map and I don't know how and nobody else seems to know either and then I haven't done the last two excercises and now R isn't there helping me and I'm so screwed because if I don't do them, I won't get the professor's signature and then I can't cerify/validate/whatever this semester, and then I'm not sure what happens.
ANYWAY. Today I'm going to the hairdresser's, then to the uni's library, then if I don't find any pedology books there I'll go to the city library (again, for the third time) and then I'll go to buy Iiris and Vilja's train tickets, and after that, I'll buy this one thing from Lilly that I've been craving for. The fact that I saved about 200 euros last month comforts me a bit, even if it's so not enough to make the terrifying feeling (caused by exams) go away.
It's funny how in the middle of all this, I can still worry about things like, is it smart to put on high heels today and so on. They'd look really good but then again, I have to walk quite a lot.
Oh, I almost forgot! My dad's coming from Paris this afternoon and my sisters are coming from Helsinki later tonight, probably after midnight. It's going to be fun seeing them since I haven't seen my dad since January and my sisters since September. Then my mum will be here on next week's Sunday, and Iiris and Vilja will make a quick visit then too, they're leaving their suitcases here before they leave to Podgorica. They'll be back on the 24th of May, but I won't have time to be with them much before the 28th because of my exams, but we'll see soon anyway because I'm leaving to Finland on the 6th of July! This month is going to be so so busy.
13:49 - 2007-06-07
Someone needs anger management
Last night I got really angry with my brother. Why does he have to be such a jerk? If he ever finds a girl who will want to cook for him and take all that complaining, then I will feel very very sorry for the girl because clearly she's an idiot with very little or no brains at all who doesn't understand her own best.
I won't degrade myself to my brother's level by being an ass like he's being, oh no. Instead I just keep my mouth shut and speak when I really have to ask him something. I at least have the brains to keep quiet when I can't say anything nice!
Enough about him. Our internet connection at the flat isn't working for a change (it's not the company's fault) so I'm at the library now. I actually found some books about pedology! I decided to just find SOMETHING interesting in them and make my seminar work about that subject because time is running out. Okay, it doesn't even have to be interesting, there just has to be over 20 pages of information about it so that I can use all the useful stuff that there is. That's my only wish, is it too much to ask?
I haven't eaten anything yet and I'm starting to get a bit hungry, so I think I should go. I also don't like writing this in a public place, for some reason. Anyway, I hope the internet thing will be sorted out soon because I need to Google stuff about pedology, no matter what.
10:41 a.m. - 2007-06-06
No big deal
I just experienced the most horrible feeling when I couldn't find that bank account card thingy (not Visa Electron) that I can draw money with from my account. If I hadn't found it.. phew, I don't even want to think about it! I would've probably been really late from the uni, I'm supposed to go there to get some signature in my "indeks" (student book or something). After that I should go to the city library in Knez Mihailova to search some books for my seminar work about pedology (my subject is probably antropogenic factors, haven't decided yet). It's due on Monday and I know I'm in medium deep shit, but I can do it. It'll just be horrible doing it and I'll get really low points but who cares, I probably won't pass the course anyway. Positive thinking, that's what keeps me going!
Later: I have decided to strongly dislike the Serbian libraries. First I had to pay 600 dinars for the damn membership (around 7 euros), which isn't a big deal really, but then I had to find out how to find the books I need, and after watching other people and observing how they do it, I just did the same, and probably made an ass of myself. You know, if I don't have to speak long sentences, people don't really notice my accent and they don't realize that I'm not from here, so when I don't know the simplest things (e.g. how to borrow books from the city library), they probably think I'm some stupid peasant from the deepest and darkest countryside area. But I guess that's the price to pay to learn how to do things. Anyway, my point is that they had none of the books I needed, NONE. I was just a bit frustrated after that. I had to pay 600 din for this shit? Nice. Really nice. Now I'm a bit lost because I don't know where to get the information I need for my seminar work. Sure, I could google antropogenic factors but there really aren't much Serbian sites about pedology, and even if I had the time and patience and knowledge to translate all that stuff from English to Serbian, I couldn't do it because the source has to be in Serbian.
I am so screwed. Sigh. I did see this Adam Brody look-alike in the tram though! That and diet coke made me feel a bit better.
Do you ever feel like you could throw something really expensive and really fragile to the wall as hard as you can? Luckily I don't own anything really expensive and fragile if my glasses don't count, and I love them far too much to harm them.
Some almost toothless guy/old man at the "trafika" (kiosk or something) smiled at me and said something that I nor heard nor understood because I was listening to music and like I already said, he was missing probably half of his teeth. Maybe it's just good, because I've got unpleasant memories of old dirty men suggesting me things.
1:48 p.m. - 2007-06-04
Nature extravaganza #2 (multiple times more painful)
Aagh, I'm so lucky to be alive! YOU are so lucky that I'm alive so that you can read about yet another crazy nature extravaganza � la moi (at Avala), which was even more horrendous than the first one. Okay, this one contained a lot less insects and bugs but a shitload of mud that smelled like horse dung, and you know I've never liked horses that much. This time I had a plastic bag in which I could put the smelly plants in (didn't have to share a bag with Sladja, nice) but my clothing was wrong, again. It was raining like hell this morning so I put on a hoodie (the one with fake diamonds and a French bulldog puppy print) and those cursed jeans that are too big. I didn't realize that it would get so hot and that we would actually climb to the top of Avala! Now I know what real mountain climbers feel like when they reach the top of the mountain, the pure joy and the last adrenaline rush that they need to speed up to get to the top faster. Thank God there was a cafe at the top, we sat there for about half an hour until everyone started feeling better (I wasn't the only one who isn't exactly Miss Fitness). When we were on our way down the Avala, I could barely stop myself from collapsing on the ground and just rolling down the slope.
I've been really tired and headachy for the past couple of days, even if I go to sleep early (before midnight) I also wake up unnaturally early. Like yesterday, and yesterday was Sunday, I woke up at 8:30, and today I woke up at 6, though I did fall asleep for a moment after it. I've just got so much going on in my mind now, you know.
Mini's fine, he's the prettiest puppy in the world and weighs now 2,4 kilos. Mum said that he's growing so fast and that she never thought that he'd weigh that much already now. I mean, he's almost doubled his weight while living in Helsinki! But he's still super cute. And he still sleeps in my mum's bed. And I'm probably going to let him sleep in my bed. And he's probably going to be the only male creature ever sleeping in there after that since (I think) not many guys want to share the bed with something small and furry. But I don't mind, I'm very adaptive.
1:44 p.m. - 2007-06-03
It's not over yet, is it?
I don't know if I should write about this here, probably not, but I'm going to do it anyway. So, last night Heidi was in MSN (woah! she's never logged on while I'm there almost 24/7) and after we both had talked about weight loss and stuff like that, we moved on to the BBs. Yes, them. Phew, I don't even know where to start! Umm.. Well, it was nice to hear that Mikael was alive and so on, and and.. that he's doing pretty okay now, I guess (considering the circumstances). I just didn't believe that any of them are reading this diary anymore, you know, after such a long time. And.. umm. I'm afraid that if I now say something that would reveal how I feel about all of this (positively), not just the diary-reading thing, then it might be used against me, and some people might misunderstand my words. And besides, none of this necessarily means anything, people sometimes say things but might not carry out their plans, if you know what I mean. But what if?
I know Heidi is right, in a way, maybe. I mean, a part of me knows that she's right but then that other part stays optimistic, no matter what happens. You could drop an A-bomb on that optimistic part and it'd still survive.
Oh yeah, and the black Ferrari I saw on the 24th of April, driving twice past the uni? I don't want to sound paranoid or expect miracles to happen, but could it have been... It just can't be.
Okay okay, moving on before I say something stupid. I've lost more weight and am in love with the scale right now. Mind you, this is a rare feeling! I was so happy about the Vila jeans yesterday that I ended up trying on another pair of pants and they fit me too. I'm still not a princess but I might be on my way there. Life feels good right now.
All in all, yesterday was a weird day, because of the two things that I never expected to happen, happened, but also because of Nalle. My mum said that his neck is aching, just like his back did in 2005 and January 2006. This might not mean that he needs another surgery now, but maybe later. I just don't know what to think because Vili and Nalle will be 10 years old on the 23rd of June, and they're not so young anymore. What if the vet says that it's best to put him to sleep? I don't want that, I don't want to lose him. This is just what I've been fearing, that one of them or both might die and I wouldn't be there for them, to say goodbye. I'd probably cry for a week if we had to put him to sleep, and Vili would probably die soon after him because they've been together since they were born. But I won't let this put me down, he'll get better. I know it.
Must concentrate on washing the dishes.
6:17 p.m. - 2007-06-02
Christmas came early this year
I haven't seen my aunt and her family in like, a month or something, and you know.. I didn't even remember it until today when my brother called and said that he was already there and our aunt had made dinner and I might want to come there. The minute I stepped in the kitchen, my aunt hugged me like we hadn't seen in a year and then almost screamed "oh my God you've lost weight!", and I was just like, really?? I mean, I know I've lost weight because the scale says so and both my Zara jeans and the brown lace skirt I bought with Oona last summer are hanging too low (the jeans are worse, though, I kinda have to hang on to them so that they won't drop off), thus making all my shirts too short. But you know, if I've learned anything in my life, it's this: never trust your own eyes and feelings because chances are that you're wrong. So, it was really nice to hear it from someone else!
I won't be completely happy with myself until I look like I did in the beginning of high school, though, and I've still got some work to do before that. It's just funny that you learn to appreciate things after you've lost them. It makes me angry with myself, really, and during those bad moments I hate food and eating and the fact that people have to eat in order to stay alive. I wish I still had the power to control myself better, like I did in 2004! But I don't have the same reasons anymore, as I did back then.. I haven't felt that passionate about anything/anyone after that, which is maybe good because the cons were so many.
Hmm, what was I trying to say? Doesn't matter. The thing that really makes me want to dance around the flat and shout with joy is that (and I never thought this day would come) I can get my freakin' Vila jeans on again! After almost two fucking years! Can you believe it?! I can't, I just can't believe it. But it makes sense, since I haven't weighed this "little" in about 1,5 years. I wish I could call Heidi and tell her about this!
If Buli was a bit more co-operative I'd dance with him around the flat while listening to Bodyrox.
12:32 p.m. - 2007-05-31
Starring: A relapsed obsessive shopper
Today is the last day of the second semester, the last day of my first year at the uni. Uh oh. Time really did fly by, and it's bad because I should've studied so much more. I'm lazy, I know I know.. Should've done something about it earlier.
Yesterday I was so stressed out that I really didn't want to leave the flat because the whole hair thing made me feel horrible. I was still suspicious about getting it cut as I was walking to the hairdresser's (it's near my aunt's and she lives on the same street as I do) and I was suspicious when I sat in the chair and the girl started chopping off my hair. It didn't feel right until the goodlooking hairdresser guy (the one who's 27 and has really pale eyes and who always talks a lot and asks me how's everything at the uni) came there, for some reason. When the whole thing was over, I still didn't feel good about getting my fringe cut again because it looks SO different than the overgrown thing that I had before, but it's always like that. I usually need about 5 minutes to get used to it and 5 minutes more to start loving it, and that's exactly what happened yesterday too. It's amazing what one haircut can do!
After that I went to the bank and emptied half of my account and then went lingerie shopping. Iiris was so right, shopping really makes you feel better! Well, at least in 9 out of 10 cases. I spent around 65 euros which was, ahem, a bit more than I had planned but most definitely worth it (besides I didn't even spend everything). I've got three words for you: lift and separate. All I can think of how good the black dress will look with my new purchases.
The geodesy thing was okay too, different than the last two times. R was missing his hourly dose of nicotine so he was extra super hyper and jumping around like a maniac, repeating "I need a smoke, I need a smoke, I need a smoke" and poking people (including me) and trying to throw small stones into this barrell, which is supposed to collect rain water (not small stones), without the professors noticing. If they showed a video of R (suffering from the lack of nicotine) to kids in elementary schools around the world, the kids would never start smoking. Seriously. Then the tobacco guys would go bankrupt and the rainforests would be saved and we'd all live happily ever after, except R who would've died of horror after hearing of the tobacco guys' bankruptcy.
You know, I heard a rumour that perhaps in two years smoking will be banned in all of Europe. If the possible new alcohol transporting regulations won't start a war, this sure will, at least in Balkan. Besides, wouldn't that be restricting people's freedom to do what they want, as long as it doesn't harm other people? I mean, banning smoking in public places is okay, I guess, but when you're at your own home, seriously.. Maybe I misunderstood the person who told me about this.
Always stay positive.
Something to listen to:
Snook - Rasmus
